Bark the Vote?

Hey non-existent viewers. I have returned. Yea I’ve thought about writing for a while but never actually had the inspiration (or balls) to do it. So now that I’m back with my incredibly sarcastic and random self, I an going to talk about a very serious topic in the most un-serious way. That’s right guys. THE ELECTION!

Now I know you are probably sick out of your little brain of this election, but sometimes something has to be shoved down our throat before we can get the message. Endless recorded messages from Clint Eastwood and Bill Clinton aren’t enough. We need to slandering media posted on the internet, countless commercials on TV, and don’t forget the clothing companies making a profit off of the battle. I even had the honor of going to my local pet store and seeing them giving out dog treats with the Candidates names on them. They also had shirts that with “Bark Obama” and “Mutt Romney” printed on them. I know that the graphics are clearly trying to be cute, but I found the deeper meaning. Let me break it down for you:

Picture by Woof Gang Bakery

Barack Obama: The big dog in the house with so much BARK, but so little bite that eventually the other dogs catch on to him and tear his tail off.

Mitt Romney: A MUTT that is a mixture of so many breeds that no one can even identify where he stands or what he even wants to do. He’s twirling around chasing his two inch tail that intimidates nobody.

See what I did there? If you haven’t noticed, I’m not a big fan of either candidate. However, I am voting for the one that I dislike the least. I’m not really going to tell you who that is, so don’t even try to guess. I know that my views won’t influence yours, but still I’d rather not lose any imaginary viewers. 

So yes I am going to harass you and tell you to VOTE! We are a very apathetic nation. Of course I contribute to the apathy on a regular basis, but this is a kinda-sorta-almost special occasion. So VOTE!

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” 
―Winston Churchill

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Thanksgiving< Black Friday< Christmas

So you’ve just finished stuffing your face with turkey and calorie drenched sides. The next day you are out attacking the sale racks at five in the morning. Now you have entered the months of December, or what has been commonly labeled as “the holidays”. Millions of women and men are temporarily leaving their diets to chow down on gingerbread cookies, while emptying their wallets of every penny. Fake snow riddled with glitter and fluff is spread indiscriminately all over the floor of toy stores. Loud, cheesy, Christmas music deriving from all generations is played at full blast from cars and household stereos. So much of America is perplexed by this holiday, but what about the people that aren’t? They ask the same question that I do (although I consider myself one of the many Christmas minions). What is all of the commotion about?

So there he is. The second or third most powerful reason why Christmas is so popular among children. Of course, the most important thing in a child’s mind is the idea of receiving tons of presents. Opening with the joy of seeing a toy that they asked their parents for, or hoping that they got that new Justin Beiber doll. As a young kid I always said that the most important things was spending time with my family. While I did find importance in that, I know I would be very pissed if I had to go a year without at least two gifts.

Adults don’t quite have the luxury of expecting to receive without giving. If you have kids, you must get them gifts. If you can’t get them gifts, tell them that Santa got drunk and couldn’t deliver that year. If you are lucky, they just might let you off with a warning. If not, well…you might have to get the tough face out.

(Due to my failure to find a good non-copyrighted picture of a person making a strange face, you are going to have to visualize it yourself)

So, lets review. Children think of Christmas as a time to get gifts. Adults think of it as a time to go broke. What about the strange cross-breed between Adult and Child? That’s right folks. I’m talking about teenagers.

Teens thrive upon angst and rebellion and awkwardness, but what really goes on in that mind of theirs? Some still live in that Childish world of take,take,take. Upper middle-class parents give and give, but they never seem to give enough. Then there are they lucky parents that get a teen who is moving away from that mentality. They start to think in the form of take, give, take; or sometimes even take,take,contribute.  They conflict with themselves. Is it better to give? Or receive? I asked this question many times. Sometimes, it just feels really good to give.

Christmas set

So everyone get ready for the most wonderful time of year. With all of your mall shop stampedes and high electricity bills. We make this holiday great with our intentions. Enjoy it while it lasts, because pretty soon we’ll be talking about post-christmas situations.

Attack of The Snuggle Bunnies

Do we really ever watch a horror flick without intending to be scared? Do we ride a rollercoaster without feeling the thrill? Do you ever jump out of the nest, even thought you have no clue how to fly? Well actually alot of us do that last thing quite frequently. No…we do all of those things. Common sense is something that seems to slip from our mind. Our “superior” thoughts tell us to do one thing while human nature tell us to do another. Which will you listen to? The annoying mother-like nag of your common sense, or the intense drive to do something completely and totally reckless? If you are young, that nagging voice really pisses you off. –Time to be an idiot.

Lets go to the petting zoo. You are there with your four year old cousin. He is crying like hell and all you want to do is get home. ” I wanna pet the bunnies…the BUUUNNNIIIEEES”. Simple enough right? All you have to do is get him to pet the bunnies. You walk him over to the petting cage.

Aww look at the cuteness. Screw the cuteness! I want to get this demon child to stop crying!

So the bunnies are ocuppied. They are huddled together. They are snuggling and seem pretty content. However, you don’t care about the bunnies’ comfort. What sould you do?

A: Let them be and take your whining cousin somewhere else

B: Try to get their attention using food

C: Pick the damn things up and let your cousin pet them

Lets say you go with the third choice. You hop over the two foot tall fence, pick up the bunny, and…. apperantly the bunny isn’t so cute afterall. It bites the hell out of your finger and drops poop pellets in your shoes.

Yep, human nature. It seeks an easy way out, which almost never works out in the end. Hopefully one can eventually learn from his/her mistakes.

“Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.”
-Oscar Wilde

Ready to become famous

Many aspiring writers are looking to be famous. However, most start like I am. With no viewers. It’s very much like writing to a wall. Well, a cyber wall full of  MMO geeks and porn addicts. So to continue with my sad lack of veiwers, I will rant about crap that no one cares about.

Traffic vs. Road Rage 

What the hell is wrong with drivers these days? There is an insane paranoia that comes along with driving. It causes to people to lose their minds. If you don’t know what I am talking about then you are probably one of many victims of road rage. Google: Define Road rage… Noun: Violent anger caused by the stress and frustration involved in driving a motor vehicle. That is only half of the description. The main word Google left out was CRAZY. I have been in a car with someone who has no sense of reality while driving. For the sake of anonymity lets call her Betsy.

So Betsy and I are driving merrily along. We are talking about rollerskating when suddenly a car cuts in front of her. Instead of honking, cursing a little, and driving of like most Americans she takes a different approach. Betsy swerves into the lane on the other side of the car, with turning on her signals, and rolls down her window to have a full length argument with the other driver. She screams profanities and death threats. Once Betsy is done letting off steam she drives away at 90mph on a 55mph highway.

Crappy Interpretation

So now Betsy just broke several road laws, gave the passenger a heart attack, and still managed not to get caught by the authorities. Twenty minutes later a man in a different car does the same exact thing that Betsy did. So what does she do now? Applaud the drivers recklessness? Complements their raging maneuverability? No, she calls the police.

“People driving like that deserve to be caught. Who the hell do they think they are? Putting people in danger like that. IDIOTS!”

Now this is where the passenger is left utterly dumbfounded. Isn’t the driver aware of his/her own actions. DO’H! Looks like someone just learned about the blindness of road rage. I’ve been in plenty of awkward situations in a car. I am almost immune to them now. All I have to do is be quiet. If I make the mistake of saying something that the driver doesn’t agree with, the rage won’t be on the road anymore. It will come into the car. Don’t let a crazy driver abuse you. Let the abuse remain on the road. Unless, of course, they hit someone. In that case…you’re fucked.

The Zombie Movie Morons: The ones you want to die

Do you Ever find yourself rooting for the zombies to kill a single character or an entire group? Well I do, all of the time. I begin watching the movie hopeful for mankind. Then as the story progresses I think…What the hell are they doing? What is the point of killing one zombie with a gun and alerting an entire hoard just so that you can run away again. The smart characters are the ones with baseball bats. The dumb ones carry machine guns. It’s that simple. Yes, you want to insure your safety. So if you must bring a gun, hold it at your side and leave the trigger on safety. Use a damn ax for most encounters.

Another thing about zombie movies I hate. The annoying bitch or douche that gets everyone killed. There is always someone making the most brilliantly stupid mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, but seriously don’t make these.

  • Start up a chainsaw in a moving vehicle
  • Assume a zombie is dead after hitting or shooting it once
  • Try to make amends with a friend who just turned into a zombie
  • Pretend to be a zombie and walk into a huge undead crowd
  • Think that a bunch of fireworks is your get out of jail free card
  • Try to choke, drown, or starve a zombie (you’d have to be a real dumbass to do any of those things)
  • Set of a bomb right next to your escape vehicle
And never ever, a thousand times NEVER
  • Go into a dark sewer unprotected
People who do those things are just dumb. If they survive, well that’s good for them. I know if I were stuck in so kind of zombie Apocalypse I would be the first to die. I would most likely make most of those mistakes. I guess that means I’m one of the morons. So ultimately, I’m rooting for my own death. Sad world we live in, ain’t it?

Interveiwing a tree

Okay I know it sounds lame but I interviewed a tree. Yea…a tree. Let me tell you, they have seen everything. This particular tree just when through a horrible tragedy. A forest fire. It had a lot to say about the incident.

Me: So Mr.oaks what do you have to say about the fire?

Oaks:………

Me: How do you think it affected your community?

Oaks:………

Me: Do you believe that recovery is right around the corner?

Oaks:………

Me: What the hell. Guys? Do you think this is a fucking joke. It’s not funny. What kind of idiot do you think I am? Trees don’t say shit…

Oaks: Hmm? What? sorry I was doing a crossword puzzle.

Me: Oh… Mr.Oaks what do you want the city to do to recover from this indecent?

Oaks:……….

Me: Oaks?

Oaks:………

Me: What the Hell…

Kick ass 4th of July picture

Kick ass 4th of July picture

This is me proving my dominance. I own 100% of copy right to this awesome pic because I took it on my trip to New Hope NJ. Did you know that every Saturday during the summer they have a fireworks show? That is a SHIT-TON of EXPLOSIONS! I love things that explode.

Hello World! (What a generic first title…)

My first time writing on here. My account is free so I get the crap end of the deal, but hey at least I can make a blog in the first place.

Alright so here is an idea of what type of content will be on here. I am a very random person. Therefore, I will write tons of random shit. Another thing is that I will continuously make Grammatically and Speelling Errors all the time (Ha ha see what I did there). Okay Mostly grammatical errors, since I want to avoid looking “unprofessional”. Oh and speaking of “unprofessional” I will use “quotation marks” very “often” because I am a very sarcastic “person”. Crap, I am totally off task right now. I’m not even writing about content. I’m writing about my dumb habits (Which I have a lot of). Okay so how about I just list the stuff that is going to be on here.

  • Short story series
  • How to’s
  • Advice segments (If anyone actually decided to e-mail me)
  • Survival series
  • Rants
  • Vlogs…eventually
  • Pointless news
  • Other random stuff
So yea. Now you know.
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